Human Motivation. I had an entire class on this topic as an undergrad psychology student. I remember absolutely nothing from that class. Although in my defense, I took it Winter 1994. It’s been a minute.
It’s funny to me now. Because as a therapist, I have come to the strong conclusion that motivation is a myth. It’s not real. The word gets used to describe why some people seem to be able to easily function at will while others cannot.
I hear it all the time from clients who are feeling overwhelmed and maybe even helpless:
“I just can’t find the motivation to … XYZ.”
“If I could just figure out how to motivate myself, things would be better.”
“If I could just figure out how to motivate my partner, my kids, my annoying coworker …”
I’m guessing you not only get the picture, I’m guessing you may have said one or all of these phrases at different times in your life. I know I have.
But what IS that thing? Really think for a second. What actually motivates me? Is it fear? Is it perfectionism? Is it a reward?
And once I come up with a few answers to that question, the next is: Well then, why doesn’t that always work? What’s going on when it stops? When the reward loses its pull, or when the consequence seems tolerable? What’s going on when sometimes I think perfectionism drives me, but then other times it seems to hold me back?
I’m squarely in the Humanistic perspective of therapy. (Think Rogers, Maslow …) The basic tenets of Humanism are that humans are innately good, and that humans tend toward actualization, which I’ll call growth.
I believe that wholeheartedly. In my experience, when humans aren’t growing, something is getting in the way. I call it a block.
What blocks us? That is a question with myriad answers. Sometimes it’s physical challenges, sometimes mental or emotional challenges. My health, my fears, my negative self talk can get in the way.
Sometimes it’s situational. Basic needs aren’t being met and I can’t think about growing.
Sometimes it’s relational or systemic. My family, my work, my school, peers, community are not supporting my growth.
Often it’s a combination of several of these issues. If I start to misattribute the block, believe it’s my fault I’m not growing, that I’m doing something wrong or not doing something right, I might add in some shame. Shame blocks growth every time. Every time.
With this in mind, I start having to ask myself a different set of questions. It’s no longer “How do I find motivation?,” it’s now:
“What’s keeping me from doing that thing I want to do?”
This, friends, does not have a simple answer. It can take a while to find. To explore, and walk around with.
And even once I become comfortable with and confident in my answer, sometimes it takes some time to figure out how to address those blocks. How to remove them from my path.
While I was in my graduate internship, my clinical supervisor challenged me to overcome my poor habit of not ending sessions on time by using a reward. Every session I ended by the 50-minute mark, I’d get a treat. After two weeks, an entire bag, minus 2, of mini Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups remained uneaten in my desk.
In relating this story to my dad, he observed, “Well, it would seem you’re a touch more complex than the average lab rat.”
And so are you. The bad news is there’s no magical motivation wand I can wave over you and everything will be great. That’s also the good news. You aren’t missing something that for some reason everyone else found.
Your blocks are different from other people’s blocks, that’s all.
It will be work to find them and figure out what to do with them, but it’s a different task than you’ve been attempting. That task left you feeling helpless. You’re not. Remember: you, me, all of us, address the blocks and we tend toward growth.